Every once in awhile I feel the need to write out my thoughts. Now is one of those times. I am nowhere near as eloquent of a writer as
Amy Beth, or Miss
Amber at
Striving for 31 but here it goes.
( *sits for 25 minutes writing and deleting things and rewriting and starting over*)
Let me start off by telling you that I became a Christian when I was 12 years old. I'll never forget it. I remember sitting in my bedroom, "trying" to pray to accept Christ into my heart and getting so frustrated because I didn't think I had enough faith for Him to hear me. So, finally I pulled up a chair to the side of my bed, and there I sat on the bed and I decided that I was going to visualize Christ sitting in that chair while I spoke to him. Out loud.
I finished talking to Jesus as he "sat" in that chair and closed my eyes for a minute wondering how ridiculous I probably looked. Why couldn't' I just pray like normal people? What did it mean to "pray in your heart"..? I thought to myself,
"Even saying the words out loud and trying to imagine him right here with me didn't seem to make me feel like it worked."Well He
did hear me. And it
did work.
So there I sat on my bed looking at this empty chair in front of me feeling just as discouraged and unsure about my "prayer skills" as ever.... I had just prayed the prayer that was supposed to change my eternal destiny and I didn't even feel a "tingle" or a "wave of peace" or nothin....
and then for the first time in my life, I felt God speak to me.
There was no flash of lightening. The heavens didn't open up to a choir of angels singing. It was just me, sitting indian style on my bed alone in my room. I looked down at my new devotional bible and there was a devotional for each of the "Promises of God" and the one that I turned to said "
He Promises to Hear You When You Pray".
It was like my heart had just let out this huge sigh of relief. He DID hear me!
I then looked up at that chair and thought
"Jesus WAS sitting in that chair listening to me"
Woah.
It was all starting to sink in... It was like, all this time, this distant God that I had been stuggling to communicate with finally looked me in the face and said "I hear you. I love you. I am right here with you" Suddenly, He didn't feel quite so distant anymore.
From that point forward I felt like I just couldn't get enough of Him. I was thirsty to LEARN and ready to LIVE the life that God had prepared for me. I studied His word and grew deeply rooted in Him. He became my passion. The only thing I can compare it to is a first love - exciting, passionate, life changing...
I had the security of eternal life. I had a newfound peace that I had never known before. I had the determination and love-driven readiness to serve Christ for the remainder of my days. I was ready! There was no stopping me - I was on fire - filled to the brim with his Holy Spirit.
This passion continued for several years and my young yeart was hopelessly devoted to our Lord Jesus Christ. My high school was my mission field. I abandoned all the "treasures" of my high-school heart - complete disregard to popularity (you want to see God do a miracle, watch Him transform a 16 year old teenager to NOT care about her social status). God laid it on my heart to seek out the poor, the "friendless", the insecure, the lonely kids in my school and tell them about Jesus. To be their friend, to tell them that they Christ loved them more than they could imagine.
During this time, the last thing on my mind was boys. But that's exactly the time when God put my future husband into my life.
I'll never forget it. It was just after soccer training camp, and our youth had a camping trip coming up. I almost didn't go. I was exausted from soccer practice and wasn't really in the mood to go sleep in a tent in the woods. There was a guy there who seemed to just... illuminate the room. His personality was huge, he could make everyone feel at ease, laugh, and was an amazing listener. He and I were chopping firewood for the campfire that night and just began talking about what God was doing in our lives. For the first time, I heard someone talk about their walk with Christ with the same passion and excitement that I felt! In what seemed like a matter of minutes - 5 hours went by. Could it seriously have be getting dark already? I was just entranced by hearing about God working through this man's heart, and he seems genuinly interested in what God was doing in mine.
I walked away that night knowing I had just met a true Man of God. He was amazing. I had tremendous respect for Him. I remember thinking to myself,
Wow - if He's this awesome, I bet His girlfriend is one amazing woman. He would deserve nothing less.
He was dating a girl who later broke up with Him because they didn't feel God leading them in the same direction and He didn't feel that their relationship was honoring God
.
He later told me, that from that very night when we met, that He knew that I was going to be His wife one day. He didn't know how or why. But he knew.
We kept a distant friendship for quite some time. We prayed together, talked about life, our convictions, where God was leading each of us. Gradually become close friends. He was so respectful, so kind, such a strong leader. In the back of my mind I thought to myself,
"I want to marry a man like him." Well God had something better for me. :-) He gave me the "real thing"!
He and I were both active in the youth at the time. Serving in the ministry that we both felt called to. My focus being on the girls, his being with the guys. The problem arose when some of the youth leaders and parents began murmuring about our friendship.
"What if it's more than friends?..." one of them would say. And that's how the rumors began. You see, there is 6 years age difference between the two of us.
At this point, we were serving Christ through missions, volunteer work, very active in our church. Life was amazing. I was serving an amazing God, was excited about where God was leading me, and was in complete and total surrendur and love with my Savior. I knew that God had brought an amazing man into my life, and it was up to the Lord to tell me how to handle it. I felt a strong sense to stay focused on my relationship with Christ and "wait"... it wasn't time to focus on dating.
He could have dated anyone he wanted. Instead he chose to wait. To wait for the precious bride that Christ had chosen for him. For years, we he would visit my family one day a week (Saturday) and eat dinner with us, maybe watch a movie, then go home. He was like family. And I loved him like a brother.
Unfortunatly that is not juicy enough for some people. It's much more exciting to "make" something of it. What saddens my heart the most is that many close church families that I trusted would say that God had "told" them to intervene, and question me about our friendship... but that same God was the center of our friendship and courtship. A prominent leader of our youth then confronted Justin and asked him not to come back to the youth group.
That was an eye opening day. It opened my eyes to something I didn't want to see, and still don't like to look back on. It made me painfully aware that the same people who you look to for guidance and advice can be wrong sometimes. They are human too.
At first I was angry. Not at what they had falsley assumed about me, but about what they had accused of Justin. Here was a man that had such respect and self control that I to this day admire His tender respect for me. It showed me just how little people knew us. (We have forgiven everyone who made these assumptions, and harbor no hard feelings. Most of them have apologized and that made a big difference in my healing from it... I still struggle with feeling judged but realize now that the only One I answer to is God.)
The thing I couldn't get over is why God would let this happen. We were doing it
His way. Later God showed me that the trials and challenges of our courtship was what led to the foundation on which we built our marriage. It was solid, safely built on full dependance of God Almighty. Led entirely by His Spirit and every decision prayerfully made.
I had a passion to learn and study what my role as a woman of God should be. The very same God in Justin's heart deserved the best of the God in my heart. I knew in my heart that God had chosen this man to be my husband, and that I was designed and created to be his wife, his helper, his friend.
And so it was. Our Pastor, who understood and supported our courtship from the beginning married us as we made our Vows before the same Holy God who placed us on the same camping trip that neither of us were planning on going to, chopping wood and chatting about life that muggy summer afternoon.
A beautiful, adventurous chapter in life was complete, and we were ready to see what the next chapter held for us. It was just me, him, our dog in a little townhouse in Newton.
That next chapter has been one of cozy nights at home piled up on a couch, lots of cooking disasters, dreams of our future, prayers for our unborn children, coupons clipping, game nights with couple friends, lots of tight squeeze hugs, lots of sweet morning forehead kisses, and lots and lots of "I love you"s.
It's been a chapter of learning. Two years into it, we are both still learning what it means to be husband and wife. It seems surreal and natural all at the same time.
Life changed but God has remained the same.
He is the same God who sat in that chair years ago and heard the ackward prayer of a 12 year old girl. He is the same God who lit a bold fire in the heart of a meek 16 year old teenager. He is the same God who orchastrated the union of a man and a women who were created to fulfil eachother in every earthly way.
And now God is leading us by the hand together as we seek where He might have us serve. We have renewed our commitment to complete and total surrender to his will. And once again, God is tell us to just "
wait". Wait and pray and seek and pray and wait and trust and pray. (see a trend? Haha)
Maybe He's teaching us patience. Maybe He's teaching us faith. Maybe He's teaching us to trust putting our "plans" into his hand and letting him mold it into something that wasn't how we envisioned it.
I'm not saying that I think God is calling us to serve as full time missionaries, or as a minister, or anything like that... I'm saying that God's spirit works best when it works with others in the body of Christ. Fellowship, interaction, prayer, and encouragement are so important in a church family.
I am blessed to be the wife of a man to sincerely seeks the will of God for his life and our family. I trust him, because He trusts God.
So we are at a crossroads... We are running the race and have committed to following our Holy Father, hand-in-hand. God has big plans for us and I feel the same excitement building in me that I did when it was just me on this journey years ago... except now I get to experience all of this with my best friend, my true love, my husband.
No job is too big or too small for God - and I consider it an honor to be a servant of His kingdom.
It's all about Him. It's
ALL about Him.
....
So this little lamb is finding her way back into the flock. Her shepard is kind and just and merciful to her little wanderings...
Every once in awhile, I still have that same feeling I had when I was 12 years old. "
God, are you there? I can't feel you." And when I quiet my heart and imagine myself at the foot of His heavenly throne, in the presence of His holy majesty, I can hear him say the same words to me that he did years ago.
"I hear you. I love you. I am right here with you" ...and it's at that point that I can breathe a sigh of relief.
*sigh*
Corduroy crop pants (TJ Maxx?)
